Skip to main content

Lessons Your Kids Need to be Able to Live Outside the Bubble - Day 27

The real world is harsh.  There are people in it who don't care who you are or how you feel.  There are black and white rules and causes and effects that apply to you no matter how much you cry or call foul.  Responsibility and achievement are hard work, for everyone.

I'm worried the parenting pendulum has swung a little too far into a child-centered magical bubble philosophy.  We think it's possible to create a bubble around our children durable enough to protect them from hard knocks and bad feelings.  In an effort to protect them from pain now, we set our kids up for serious pain when they leave our homes.   It takes concentrated thought and planning to launch our kids into "The Real World" without the bubble burst backlash leaving them with serious welts. Especially these days.

Let me also say that I am for protecting childhood, stardust and fairy's, daydreams and long summer days.  I want to be serious about sending my kids off into adult-land with some great memories and stories to tell their kids about "the good old days."  But I'm equally concerned about sending them off strong and capable Not duped into thinking that the life they're dreaming of will be handed to them without any pain.

Happy but not handicapped.

That's our challenge as parents. It's one you're going to constantly wrestle with as you raise your kids. You and your husband, talking, praying, trying to figure out what each kid needs most right now. And then being tough enough to do what's best rather than what's sparkly.

Let me suggest some lessons you need to make sure you intertwine with the magical memories.

How to do Hard Work, 
otherwise known as, 
There Ain't No Money Tree  

Our kids can't leave our homes without knowing what hard work feels like.  They need to know they will survive tough jobs and they can accomplish things.  If they are old enough to walk, they are old enough to help and have jobs.  Preschoolers can help carry groceries in, fold washclothes, and wipe down the table. Little hands are big enough to do a lot of stuff if you're willing for the jobs to take twice as long.
Stand back and let them work and let their brains work too.  If they come to you with the arms of their jackets inside out and ask for help, the best help you can give is encouragement, clues and time. It's good for their brains to puzzle it out.  Teach them how to work by letting them.

If everything is handed to them now, they'll expect it to be handed to them later.  Entitlement isn't pretty on a toddler, but it's a whole different kind of ugly on an adult.

Responsibility buys Freedom, 
otherwise known as, 
If You're Living in you Parent's Basement You're Not a GrownUp

Responsibility and freedom are fused at the hip.  This is a fact of adult life.  Every bit of responsibility shouldered brings with it a corresponding amount of freedom.  The responsibility of paying your own bills gives you the freedom of living in your own place, with your own rules.  The responsibility of putting gas in your car regularly brings you the freedom to go places.

This combo needs to trickle down into our parenting.

  • The preschooler who picks up her toys has the freedom to play with them more often.  
  • The child who saves his money has the freedom to impulse buy a candy bar at the checkout lane.  
  • Your daughter who walks close to the cart with a smile gets to chose to not be strapped into the cart like a baby.  
  • Kids who replace the borrowed shirt they stain will have the freedom to be trusted to borrow again.  
  • Middle schoolers who start doing their own laundry get to stay up later.  
  • Teenagers who get good grades can enjoy the freedom of doing their homework in front of the tv.  
  • Teenagers who meet mom where and when they said they would have the freedom to go places.

See how that works?  Our kids need to too.

Dealing with Injustice, 
otherwise known as, 
Sometimes the Refs are Gonna Miss the Call and You've Gotta Deal

We've gotta stop fixing things for our kids.  Life is not fair.  Bad, undeserved things will happen to them.  How we handle these moments in our kids' lives is a profound compass for them.

I'm not saying we should never stand up for our kids, protect them, and respectfully get their needs met.  They need that kind of support from us sometimes. Our kids need to know that no matter what, Mom and Dad are in their corner. They also need to see measured, respectful dissent modeled.

What I am saying is that the kids whose parents fuss and manipulate, see an offense around every corner, and pull whatever strings they find in their hands teach their kids something powerful.  That child learns to be a person who values fighting for an advantage over sacrifice and hard work.  They are quick to think they deserve something and we'll do whatever it takes to get it.  They'll think about themselves more than what's happening around them.  Their desires will become paramount.

Instead, we can teach our kids to turn the other cheek gracefully.  We can teach them that other people deserve grace when they make mistakes, even ref\erees.  We can encourage them to work hard enough to take power out of injustice as a way to rise above.  We can hold them, cry with them, and then teach them to pray for the very ones causing our child harm.

Allowing injustice to remain does a beautiful thing in our child's life. It gives them confidence in God.  Our children can't build confidence in God to take care of their impossibilities, if Mom and Dad always get there first.  They can only trust him if they've needed him. Step out of the way and let your kid need God.

Attitude Matters,
 otherwise known as, 
"Yes Ma'am," "Yes Sir" is a Magic Edge

It's really quite sad to see how much a simple "Yes Ma'am" can make a child stand out from his peers.  But it does.  I got more than one email from high school teachers thanking me for the respectful sons I sent their way.  The emails started praising my boys' politeness and respect but always continued to describe many other abilities they saw glowing in my sons.

Being a respectful person gets you noticed.  The positive glow respect causes seeps into the way people see your kids in other areas of their lives too. As your child gives respect, they become worthy of respect.

No child is too little to begin learning this.  Teach your preschoolers how to give a good handshake.  Expect your kids to look adults in the eye and introduce themselves loud enough to be heard.  Demand real-life conversations trump text notification for your teens.

A respectful child demonstrates the knowledge they aren't the center of the universe.  Respect from a child produces respectful adults.  Respectful adults make other people feel valuable and find smooth paths in life.  Teaching your child to be respectful is like giving them a pouch of magic fairy dust to take into their adult life.  Don't neglect it.

Your kids' childhood is such a short time.  Do whatever you can to make it magical. Their memories should be abundantly peppered with unicorns and rainbows.

Your kids' adulthood is going to be long.  Make sure you've done the front-end work to help them succeed. Sending them off with these skills in their tool belt will keep a smile on their faces and make adulthood feel magical too.

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner


Popular posts from this blog

The Fight for Control - Day 3

Preschoolers' bodies contain a power that defies the laws of physics.  Moms of preschoolers know there is definitely something metaphysical going on in their homes.  It's also clear to Moms like me that every now and then, a special child comes along with whom the force is especially strong. I had a cute little 3-year-old boy who often left me slack-jawed and feeling outflanked.  His will was strong and it was aided and abetted by a deft use of words and logic.  Maybe you've encountered a kid like can recognize them by the iron glint in their eyes and the furrowed brows of their Mommas.  Maybe you've got one living under your own roof. Even though it felt like Trevor and I jockeyed for position forever...but it was really just a chunk of Trev's 3rd year.  Let me tell you, it was one INTENSE year, but it wasn't eternal.  Our toughest head-to-heads seemed to always happen on evenings Scott was at a late meeting and I was flying solo.  They start

My Funeral - Day 18

Some people might think it's morbid to think about your own funeral. It's not. It's actually smart.  "Begin with the End in Mind" is rule #2 in Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  I want to be highly effective.  Beginning with the end of my life in mind means I need to think about my own funeral. What's closer to the end than your own funeral? I remember being at my Great-Grandma's funeral not too long after I became a Mom.  Her name was Minnie Merrow and she lived a long life.  She outlived almost all of her contemporaries.  Most people at her funeral were family - children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren.  The room was big and it was full.  Many people there I didn't even know but each was connected to my great-grandma. I only have a few personal memories of my grandma Minnie. She always kept chocolate chip cookies in her chest freezer and would let my sister and I eat all icy c

The Best Gift a Mother Can Give - The Glorious Table

The wind blew as we gathered around the graveside, and I watched this large, beautiful family say goodbye to their beloved grandmother. There was sadness and there were tears, but the most striking thing was the togetherness laced in, around, and among every emotion and experience of the day. Watching this family, buoyed by their togetherness, prompted a light bulb moment and sent my mind traveling back to my first wrestling match with a big  mom fear . “How can I possibly love my second baby as much as my first?” “Is there enough of me for both of them?” “Will having another baby rob the ones I already have of what they deserve?” I had heard it said that the best gift you can give your child is a sibling. My oldest was only nine months old when I found out number two was going to join our family sooner than my master plan called for. I felt I was just beginning to get my “mom sea legs” and being a mom to two was a bigger challenge than I could get my head around. Everything felt like