Skip to main content

Fear - You're Not the Boss of Me Anymore! - Part 2

My dad’s soul left for heaven four months, one day, and about fourteen hours ago and I haven’t dissolved into a pile of nothing yet. I’m more okay than my fear ever let me think was possible. I’ve weathered the scariest thing in my life and imagination better than I expected to because of the “Lesson Learned” God is teaching me right now.


Lesson Learned: The security you found in your dad’s opinion of you was an important part of God’s plan, but not all of God’s plan. The things your dad gave you were a downpayment on the things God, your good Father is giving you now. Your dad carefully stewarded your self-worth and in ways invisible to you, has been carefully handing the baton back to God. More of how you see yourself is currently resting in how God sees you than you realized. This is why you are okay.



God used one of my favorite Psalms to spell this out for me. God’s voice has been especially loud during miscarriages, disappointments, and fears through Psalm 103. I love that he brought me back to this Psalm to quiet my biggest panic moment.



As I brushed my teeth in the adjoining bathroom, I listened to Scott read these familiar words out loud to my sleeping dad. They were familiar but got my attention in a mercifully new way because he read them in different translation than my usual. I hope you read the Psalm in its entirety, but for now, listen to the specific words that calmed my fear.


“As high as heaven is over the earth,

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset,

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children,

God feels for those who fear him.”

Ps. 103:11-13 MSG


The love and security I gained from my dad, weren’t evidence of me trusting Dad more than God, they were my first baby steps toward trusting God himself. They were part of how I learned to trust God and see my worth in how he sees me. God’s plan is for earthly fathers to image him as our heavenly father. The way my dad did that for me was a rare gift. God has never been bothered by how much I’ve learned to see myself in my Dad’s eyes, it was part of his plan for me.


“He knows us inside and out,

keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.”

Ps. 103:14 MSG


God hasn’t been surprised at all with the wrestling of my heart. In fact, he probably expected it because he never forgets how frail I am and never forgets to provide for my frailties.


“Men and women don’t live very long;

like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,

But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,

Leaving nothing to show they were here.”

Ps. 103:15-16 MSG


God knew better than I did that I wouldn’t have my dad physically present in my life forever. He’s been planning for me to be okay since death first entered the g

Garden of Eden. This thing I’ve been allowing to bind me with nebulous tendrils of fear, was solved long ago by my heavenly Father.


God’s love, though, is ever and always,

Eternally present to all who fear him,

Making everything right for them and their children

As they follow his Covenant ways

And remember to do whatever he said.

Ps. 103:17-18 MSG


This is the reason I felt more grounded and settled watching my dad leave this earth than I ever dreamed possible. These verses pulled back the veil of my fears and let me see how my Dad and God had linked arms to make me ready to face this very moment. Dad hadn’t just been telling his little girl how valuable she was. He had been telling me how valuable God thinks I am. He spent his life teaching me to trust him and how to transfer that trust onto an eternal God who is the source of everything he had to give me.



So here I am, four months, one day, and about fourteen hours after I faced the biggest fear of my life head-on. I’m not a puddle shaking on the ground. I’m not consumed by sadness and unable to get out of bed. I’m not even crying every day. I’ve laughed a lot these past four months. I’ve smiled and felt a warm glow inside when I’ve encountered pictures or memories of my Dad. I’ve actually felt grounded. The exact opposite of the untethered feeling my fear told me to expect. Psalm 103 cleared the fog and showed me  work that had been happening in secret all along the way.


It’s easy to look back and wish I could get back some of the moments I surrendered to fear. They seem wasted and foolish from this vantage point. Instead of regretting, I’m choosing to respect the process. The truth is, I’m very happy with the destination this path led me to. I’ve learned God’s call isn’t only to a destination but also includes in step along the path it takes to get there. So, I’m looking back with clearer eyes but choosing to cherish the steps my story needed to find this precious destination.




Maybe my story can help someone else see a short cut past some of the more meandering portions of the path from fear to settled. That would be cool. But the coolest thing would be for my story to inspire hope in another person’s heart and suggest your fear is not telling you the whole truth. I also hope you hear me say you are stronger than you feel. Strength is often about just putting one foot in front of the other with your heart beating out of your chest before you can see the answers you need. You have to keep on living while you wait for the fog to clear. You have to keep on walking in order to get to the destination at the end of the path with a vantage point that allows you to look back and make sense of it all.


What fear has its hooks deep into you? What thing are you trying to keep in the peripheral vision of your consciousness because you’re afraid to look at it head-on? What are you worried you can’t live through? Admitting it does not give it more power over you, it gives it less.






Speak your fear aloud so you can apply the salve of Psalm 103 to your heart. God is a better father to you than even your most fantastic dreams. He’s crazy about you. But he’s also realistic about you. He knows that you’re fragile. He remembers that he made you from mud and so his father hands are tender with you. He’s put short term solutions in your life to give you something to hang on to now, immediately. Like a good earthly Daddy, a kindred-spirit friend, a church that loves you unconditionally, a sister. But he also sees your future and knows how this sin-cursed world works. He knows you need more and those things are only a bridge to the truest solution for your soul - him. He’s working outside of your current view. He’s doing things you can’t see or feel yet to care for your heart. He is. I promise. Let Psalm 103 be your breath when fear tries to steal it. And let my story be your hope when you wonder if there is more than today’s fear. 


 


Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Comments

  1. Excellent article Lori. I feel the same way about my dad's death. He died in a nursing home from pneumonia (Not sure if it was COVID19). It was a blessing as he suffered from Alzheimer's for the past 8 years. so thankful for a Godly father to raise us five kids who are in turn all raising godly grandchildren!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dave, I'm so sorry for you loss but thankful for the legacy he gave you to pass on. It's so hard to say goodbye to great parents.

      Delete

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear what you think!

Popular posts from this blog

The Fight for Control - Day 3

Preschoolers' bodies contain a power that defies the laws of physics.  Moms of preschoolers know there is definitely something metaphysical going on in their homes.  It's also clear to Moms like me that every now and then, a special child comes along with whom the force is especially strong. I had a cute little 3-year-old boy who often left me slack-jawed and feeling outflanked.  His will was strong and it was aided and abetted by a deft use of words and logic.  Maybe you've encountered a kid like him.....you can recognize them by the iron glint in their eyes and the furrowed brows of their Mommas.  Maybe you've got one living under your own roof. Even though it felt like Trevor and I jockeyed for position forever...but it was really just a chunk of Trev's 3rd year.  Let me tell you, it was one INTENSE year, but it wasn't eternal.  Our toughest head-to-heads seemed to always happen on evenings Scott was at a late meeting and I was flying solo.  They start

We've Seen Their Faces!!

Ready to have your mind blown?   Have we got a referral story for you!  It's a like a book with a plot that sucks you in right from the start, leaving you gritty-eyed from endless "just-one-more-chapter" nights.  You mean to put the book down and sleep like a normal person...but then the last paragraph of each chapter makes your eyes go wide and steals all willpower except for the "page turning" kind.  One twist in the plot after another that you COULDN'T SEE COMING....twists that are the best satisfaction a plot could offer.  It's better than what you hoped was coming and leaves you amazed at the writer's craft.  Ever read a book like that?? I have.  I LOOOVE them.  The past few weeks have shown me that I SUPER LOOOOVE living that kind of plot! A good story has to start at the beginning.....Once upon a time, God stirred our hearts in an undeniable way and called us to respond to His orphaned children by making a few of them Floridas .  We g

My Funeral - Day 18

Some people might think it's morbid to think about your own funeral. It's not. It's actually smart.  "Begin with the End in Mind" is rule #2 in Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  I want to be highly effective.  Beginning with the end of my life in mind means I need to think about my own funeral. What's closer to the end than your own funeral? I remember being at my Great-Grandma's funeral not too long after I became a Mom.  Her name was Minnie Merrow and she lived a long life.  She outlived almost all of her contemporaries.  Most people at her funeral were family - children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren.  The room was big and it was full.  Many people there I didn't even know but each was connected to my great-grandma. I only have a few personal memories of my grandma Minnie. She always kept chocolate chip cookies in her chest freezer and would let my sister and I eat all icy c