Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Not Enough Fingers....

Today's the day my baby girls no longer have enough fingers to show their age.  And it's unlikely that such refined, grown-up ladies will whip off their shoes to throw a toe into the mix!



Izzie & Chloe's birth story is so much more than the incredible story of their birth.....it's the story of a really sweet Heavenly Father who heard the secret longings of my heart and gave me the cake with the fancy icing and the cherry on top.



I recently found a letter that I had written to a friend a few years ago who was worried about a pregnancy she thought was in trouble.  I told her my story.  Listen in....

I have to tell you that I really know how crazy and awful your heart felt this weekend... I've got some stories to tell you about my life!  One of the points our pastor made in the sermon this Sunday was that when we are going through troubles, God comforts us, not just to make us comfortable, but so that we can comfort others.  I thought right away of the comfort God has give me through my pregnancy troubles and felt like I should share my story with you and hopefully also share the comfort God has give me.  I'm warning you... I don't know how to make it short!!!  Sorry!

 My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 9 weeks and it was emotionally devastating for me especially, and I think Scott too.  I wanted that baby so badly and I suddenly found myself worried about if I would ever be able to have children, wondering what I had done wrong and questioning a lot of the things I thought I was sure about in my relationship with God.  Honestly, I was really mad at God for a while and mad at Scott that he wasn't mad at God too!  For me, much of my faith finally came down to two things I knew I believed  in spite of how I was feeling:

1)When I don't understand life I can still trust God's character - He is trustworthy, good and gentle with me and that won't ever change.  Psalm 103 helped build my trust... it reminds me about all the blessings God has given me (vs. 2-6), how instead of treating me as my sins deserve, He loves to tenderly take care of me as His child (vs.10-14) and especially that His plan for my life is one that will satisfy my desires with good things (vs. 5).  I found myself reading this over and over and slowly my emotions followed my trust in God to be doing what was right and good for me rather than my circumstances.

Psalm 103

Of David.
 1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-
 3 who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases,
 4 who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,
 5 who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
 6 The LORD works righteousness
       and justice for all the oppressed.
 7 He made known his ways to Moses,
       his deeds to the people of Israel:
 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
       slow to anger, abounding in love.
 9 He will not always accuse,
       nor will he harbor his anger forever;
 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
       or repay us according to our iniquities.
 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
       so great is his love for those who fear him;
 12 as far as the east is from the west,
       so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
 13 As a father has compassion on his children,
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
 14 for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.
 15 As for man, his days are like grass,
       he flourishes like a flower of the field;
 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
       and its place remembers it no more.
 17 But from everlasting to everlasting
       the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
       and his righteousness with their children's children-
 18 with those who keep his covenant
       and remember to obey his precepts.
 19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
       and his kingdom rules over all.
 20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
       you mighty ones who do his bidding,
       who obey his word.
 21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
       you his servants who do his will.
 22 Praise the LORD, all his works
       everywhere in his dominion.
       Praise the LORD, O my soul.

2)Romans was really important to building my trust in God too.  I knew and believed that God had graciously provided a free gift of salvation for me that I didn't deserve because I was a sinner.  I kept coming back to that... if God really loved me that much, enough to let His own Son die so that I could have a relationship with Him when I had absolutely nothing of value to offer back, would He now be mean to me and hold-out on me???  My prayers began to change from "Why didn't you stop this God?" to "I know that you love me and have already given me more than I deserve - help me trust you while I wait for you to satisfy this intense desire I have to be a mom."
Romans 8:32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?


I got pregnant again right away and had two trouble free pregnancies with Riley & Trevor.  But then when we began trying for baby #3 the same problems started looming.  I got pregnant easily, but at 9 weeks trouble started.  Went for the ultrasound and received bad news.  I went right back to those things I had learned the first time and God was gentle and kind with my emotions.  He gave me the help of my friends. 

I got pregnant again and this time found out something was wrong at a check-up where we couldn't find the heartbeat.  It ended up being a very rare condition that can possibly lead to cancer so the doc told me I had to wait for 6 months to try again while they watched me closely. 

Well, by this time, we were thinking that we should seriously look into adoption.  We began researching and praying and I fell in love with the idea of a little girl from China.  As Scott & talked and prayed about it, we admitted to each other and to God, that our dream would really be to adopt twin girls from China

About this time I got pregnant again and it honestly scared me to death.  I was feeling really good about the adoption option and really afraid of going through the pain of losing a baby again.  At 9 weeks we had the same trouble we had seen before.  I think I had put my emotions on hold because of my fear and was really "matter of fact" and unemotional about it this time.  I scheduled the ultrasound knowing that there wouldn't be any good news for me.  I remember the tears pooling up in my ears while I laid on the table and stared at the ceiling.  The tech kept the screen turned away from me for the longest time, another bad sign.  Finally, she turned it to us and I'll never forget her words, "The baby looks fine, the heartbeat is healthy and the best part of my job is to tell you that you're having twins!" 

I have never in my life  gone so quickly from such a low point to such a high point.  I remember going home to call my friends who had been praying and give them the good news!  My doctor put me on progesterone and my pregnancy was a breeze.  A few months later we went for the ultrasound that would tell us the secret of our babies sex - and can you believe it - twin girls!! I felt like God was saying, "Just keep trusting me darling - I know the desires of your heart and I love to fulfill them." 

Right from the start, being a mom has been an intensely spiritual journey for me.  It has tested my faith, forced me to confirm for myself that I believed the truth of the Bible and had something real to pass on to my kids, and really pushed me to "grow up" as a child of God by refining my character.  I wouldn't trade this part of my life for anything, even with all it's emotions and ups and downs! 



So, sweet daughters of my dreams, know how loved you are today, how wanted and longed for you were years ago, and how your life proves the goodness and tenderness of our Heavenly Father!  Happy Birthday!


1 comment:

  1. Lori thanks for the happy tears! Happy Birthday to your girls! :)

    ReplyDelete

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