Friday, January 4, 2013

Wranglings

There are faces, there are names....that are oh so different from the ones my heart thought it was saying "yes" to 2 years ago.  Back then the "yes" was hard, it made my heart wrangle through all the unknowns....but now I'm realizing that it was kinda squishy too, had soft edges...because of some of those unknowns.

The wranglings in my heart have begun again now that there are hard edges....a few certainties....real people.  Suddenly, adoption isn't just an idea, something we're going to do....it's something we're doing, and right quick!  The rubber is meeting the road, the pie has left the sky, the buck is stopping here, the road is rising to meet us.....  I'm breathless again, asking myself all the same questions I did 2 years ago.  I'm facing the same fears I thought had been lain to rest.  It feels like a twilight zone version of the spiritual wranglings of the beginning.

My sister once gave me a different vantage point on re-wrangling these beasts.  Instead of feeling the frustration of a re-do, she urged me to be thankful that God had given the opportunity to say "yes" to Him again....to re-affirm my offering.  Oh yes, I've been having lots of opportunities....and I'm working through the steps of saying, "I really meant that 'yes.'"

We were part of conference call today with the adoption agency.  Along with another family, we talked with the specialist about the particulars of travel....the "what to expects" of court and embassy dates.  The other family asked questions of babies, cribs and formula.  Their questions echoed all day in my heart.  A baby, a baby.... I understand a baby, the parameters of what comes with a baby seem more narrow.  Today my wranglings were efforts to tie up the beast of......"It would be so much easier to be going to get a BABY!!!!"

Easier....if it wasn't  side-stepping God's brilliant, bright calling.  Easier except that it would be taking back my cry of 2 years ago asking God to keep me on the exhilarating ride of living "over my head" where faith is oxygen.  Easier if my heart didn't already love two teenage girls who's faces I've seen and who's names I've heart and....who. need. me.

"What if....what if this changes everything??  What if our lives are never the same?"  I'm worried that I might never feel comfortable again.  I wonder if I'm choosing pain as a constant companion.

My full-of-faith husband says, "What if we are the same after this....wouldn't that be worse?"

The mission news on the radio tells of Christians in Iran who know, with certainty, that choosing Christ means losing everything, changing everything....pain.  That perspective makes my potential life change look pathetic, another new vantage point that is strangely comforting.  God's mercy meets their needs....it will meet mine.

And that's always what it comes down to.  God.  He is what calms my fears and makes the un-knowing ok.  His mercies are always bigger than the worst I can imagine.  And then I breathe deeply again, my heart settles, and I'm able to say "yes" to the same offering.

That's what happened today....what I accomplished today.....wrangling....

"The sea of God's mercies should swallow up 
all our particular afflictions.
Think of it this way.  
If you pour a pailful of water on the floor, it makes a great show, but if you throw it into the sea, there is no sign of it.  
Afflictions considered in themselves are great.  
But let them be considered with the sea of God's mercies and then they are not so much.  
They are nothing in comparison."

by Jeremiah Burroughs



1 comment:

  1. It will take time, but you WILL feel comfortable again. Pain will not be your constant companion. The moments of joy will far outweigh those difficult ones... that, as you know, God has or is fully equipping you to face. I am praying tonight for you, and for your new daughters. I know that Christ is so stoked to work through you. :)

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